The last three nights in a row I've spent tossing and turing with dreams. I wouldn't QUITE call them nightmares, but they come close. Don't hate me for saying it, but dreaming these dreams was not making me giggle with glee.
To put it frankly, I was dreaming that I was pregnant. Well, that was the first night. PREGNANT! The second night, I dreamed I had a beautiful baby boy! Imagine that! ME - a baby BOY. Not only was he beautiful, but he was brilliant! Not even a week old, and he was talking. It's not shocking, really - after all, he's MY child ;) Then, night number 3. I have a new baby (not sure if it was a boy or girl this time) but we were at Value Village trying to get back the crib, stroller, and car seat that we had gotten rid of months ago. Thankfully, a nice lady brought me to the back room - and there they all were!
Why would I consider these beautiful dreams of little ones my own personal nightmares? My husband and I decided long ago that 4 was the number. We decided that before #3 even came into the world. We are happy with four. I'm still sane with four. I'm certain that more children would equal crazy momma around here. My concern is - I know the Lord often has different ideas. You've heard the quote - "If you want to make God laugh, just tell Him your plans" Yeah, we know all about that - we've been there, imagining God rolling His eyes at our silly ideas. I have a firm testimony, gained through many, many experiences, that God's plan is certainly the very best one for us, and the one that is custom made to bring us the most joy ultimately. I know it's true.
Something else I know, though, is that recognizing the promptings from the Lord is something I'm weak at. I am learning every day, TRYING, to listen to the promptings from the Spirit and acting on them. I have the hardest time knowing whether the thoughts and feelings I'm having are coming from the Lord, or from my own warped imaginings. So, my problem lies in 1. KNOWING the Lord's plan is the BEST plan. and 2. NOT knowing how to recognize when He is leading me in the right direction. How do you deal with this?
Now that I've confused everyone, I can go on. One thing I remember was after we had our second baby. She was slightly fussy - much like her older sister was. My husband was working two jobs, starting up his business, was Elder's Quorum president, I was in the Primary presidency, and we were TIRED. We made the decision to be done having children. We felt we didn't have a quota to meet here. We were happy and content. Well, a year of monthly temple worship and our hearts were changed. We knew we were not done. We knew there were more children meant for our family. We had two more. We were happy, content. Still are :) And how couldn't we be with these gorgeous creatures in our lives?
I can't imagine my life without them - ANY of them. And I know that feeling would not change if we added more to our family. I'm not going to change our plans because I've had a few dreams. Who knows - maybe I ate something that digested into baby dreams! It could be anything. Besides, it's not ME who would need the most convincing. The Lord knows He'll have my husband to convince if there are any more little ones meant for our home, and that will be a tough case :) For now, I'll keep being happy with my four angels, my sweet babies.